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What if what you observe is not pleasant?
Self Will and Self Observation
What do you notice that has been going on in there for all these years?
What have you sorted out and taken radical responsibility for thus far?
Self-will is the thing that actually decides what you think, feel, do, and say, or decides not to do or say.
What is funny about this is that self-will can relocate itself from one Point Of Origin to a completely different Point Of Origin in your psychological interface construct, your Box.
Your Point Of Origin dictates what you are, for this moment, taking to be true, real, solid, important, and actual. Each Point Of Origin is the context for your orientation towards yourself and the circumstances around you.
What this means is that from one second to the next, a human being can say, feel, think, or do completely contradictory things depending on the Point Of Origin you stand in.
Perhaps you have observed sudden crazy perspective jumps or shifts in others?
Guess who else does makes these jumps and does not even know you are doing it?
Persistent Self Observation gradually builds a data-bank in you of neutral clues that help you to experientially distinguish and classify your various contradictory behavior patterns.
The practice at first is to build your data-bank of Self Observations. It does not matter that your Self Observations might completely exclude or contradict each other. You are not one. You are many. You are a Zoo.
After a while start looking into each databank file. This is the equivalent of peering into one of the compounds or cages in your Zoo. Eventually, as your neutral multi-dimensional descriptions accrue, you will be able to peer into a cage and give that character, or creature, a name ('creature' is the term Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly applied to the monster Dr. Frankenstein brought to life in his laboratory, as you have brought each of your Zoo characters to life...). Soon each of the inhabitants of your inner Zoo will have a distinct and appropriate name that matches its dietary preferences, it reaction patterns, or its unconscious motivations.
Then apply Self Inquiry. This is when the show gets more interesting. This is when your decision about which Point Of Origin you will stand in shifts from being unconscious to being conscious.
Independent Self Inquiry - or accompanied Self Inquiry (such as an emotional healing chairwork process during a Possibility Coaching session or a Possibility Lab) - allows you to follow each Self Will impulse from each of your creatures back to its source to find out what is really going on.
In order to track impulses to their source, the time between the impulse and your actions needs to be slowed down very much so that you can observe the connection. It does not take much to learn how to slow reactions down enough to track them. This is an especially valuable skill that goes along with Phase 1 of Feelings Work: learning how to feel.
The source of each of your various Points Of Origin is an important discovery and can completely change your relationship to yourself, to the world of others, and to what is possible for you.
For example, an entire set of behaviors - an entire personality character of one of the creatures in your Zoo, your Box - can originate in:
Each source point that you discover gives you the key (the weapon, the alchemical catalyst, the expanded perspective...) to heal the wound... to kill off (through bringing the structure into a transformational Phoenix Process) the neurotic Point Of Origin Place (...POOP).
In the Gurdjieff practices, the intention is to eventually experience a 'single I' as in a single identity.
In a small NOW, small HERE, and a small YOU, in the Adult Ego State, where you have your Center, Grounding Cord, and Bubble,
The word 'Ego' includes your entire Box structure with its collection of zoo of creatures, each with their unique purpose, food requirements, and survival strategies.
An 'Ego State' (such as Parent, Child, Gremlin, Adult, Archetypal, or Demon Ego State) would indicate one category of possible creature identities.
If I am observing myself, who is observing? And what is the 'self' being observed?
Who knows who is observing?
In other words, who or what observes the observer?
And what then? How is this going to help me?
(This section is an edited excerpt from the book Conscious Feelings by Clinton Callahan.)
No matter what you observe, do not change anything. Don’t even try to change your knee-jerk reactions about making the ‘self-observation pain’ go away. Just observe the whole thing.
Trying not to move is like playing the game of Freeze! If you don’t previously agree to freeze when the captain of the game shouts “Freeze!”, then your first reaction to hearing them yell “Freeze!” is to move!
In this Experiment of self-observation, hold the intention that no matter what you observe during this observation period, you won’t do anything about it.
Not doing anything can be an extremely difficult thing to do. Don’t even carry the question around about what you could do. It is far too early for trying to make changes.
If you don’t know what you are doing to stay numb, how can you be sure if you are doing something different from that? You cannot.
Observing yourself requires consciously splitting your attention into two parts. Use half of your attention to do your normal life, and use the other half of your attention to neutrally observe what you are doing. At first you could get a bit dizzy from the simultaneous differing perspectives, but splitting your attention is normal. Remember a time when you were listening to music while riding your bicycle, thinking about what to buy at the store, chewing gum, and watching the interesting people on the sidewalk all at the same time. You can already split your attention. The only difference now is you will be splitting your attention consciously.
It helps to imagine that you are living within a box of mechanical behaviors, completely identified with the box’s behaviors as if they were your own true actions because you have no other perspective on your situation. When the box moves, you are moved by the movement. You can’t help it. You are stuck in these mechanical reactions, and may be stuck there for the rest of your life. Perhaps you know someone like this?
Self-observation is like taking a fresh set of eyes in your hand, reaching your hand out beyond the edges of your box, and twisting your hand around so that your new eyes can look back at the box from the outside. By seeing from this perspective, you easily discover that the box is no more than an assembly of mechanical reactions triggered automatically by external stimuli. Keep your arm out there and just watch what happens for a long time.
When you first hold out your hand with the eyes it gets tired within a few moments and you bring it back inside the box again, often without even knowing it. Moments, hours, or even days go by before you wake up with a start and remember what you were trying to do. You see that you are no longer splitting your attention, but you have no memory of stopping. Even at those times do not judge yourself. Or if you do judge yourself, observe the mechanicality of your self-judgment and do not judge that. When you notice your lack of self-observation, simply extend your neutral eyes out beyond the perimeter of your box again and continue observing yourself.
Lee Lozowick identifies three conditions under which to pay particular attention to observing yourself:
Yes, especially observe yourself when you assume there is nothing special to observe.
Remain as neutral as a video camera.
You are familiar with the term second sight, having insights after the fact? During self-observation try to use first sight so you can observe what is actually happening while it happens. First sight is seeing what is as it is rather than seeing what you expect or hope to see.
Observe with a crystal-clear eye. No name-calling, no swear words, no inner vows, no self-flagellations, no justifications, no comments from the peanut gallery. Keep your opinions about your opinions to yourself. Simply notice.
As soon as you notice that you are not simply noticing, simply go back to noticing. It’s that simple.
Observe yourself for an extended period of time so you can identify repeated patterns and the circumstances that trigger them. An ‘extended period of time’ means months and months, years actually.
Observe . . .
When you first begin self-observation, you may have an attention span of only a few seconds before you get knocked unconscious and fall asleep. Work to build your muscles of attention. When you can observe yourself for ten minutes without stopping, your Self-Observation has begun.
As your modus numbness becomes more and more apparent it will simultaneously become more predictable. When your own behavior becomes predictable to you it becomes dead. Only then do you gain a new freedom of movement. Your mechanical commitment to staying numb can be terminated without sentimentality, because you will not be killing something that is still regarded as being alive. It will take months of dedicated observation before you get to this point. That is not too long. The months will go by no matter what you are doing. You may as well be building your self-observation muscles.
Your Work: How to Practice Self Observation
Co-authored by Klare Heston, LICSW
You might have a range of goals in mind when setting out to observe yourself. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to go about it. Get in touch with your authentic self through meditation and self-reflection. Keep a journal to learn more about how you interact with the world and how those interactions shape who you are. Learn a new ability or improve your job performance by observing yourself on video. Whether you’re practicing meditation, keeping a journal, or watching video recordings, remember to focus on progress. If you observe something you want to change, think about how you can improve instead of just focusing on a flaw.
Method 1 - Becoming Self Aware
REFLECT ON THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR IDEAL SELF AND ACTUAL SELF. Think about how you represent yourself to others, especially as you consider the attributes that make you proud and those you’d like to change.
KEEP A JOURNAL TO TRACK YOUR JOURNEY OF SELF-AWARENESS. Psychologists agree that self-awareness is a dynamic, changing process. We shift between degrees of self-awareness, self-deception, and everything in between. [1] Try keeping a daily journal and write a daily self-reflection to keep a record of your journey.
Method 2 - Observing Yourself Through Meditation
PONDER YOUR BLIND SPOTS. As you put yourself in a meditative state, try to open your mind to objectively consider your blind spots. Visualize your actions and thoughts as if you were a detached observer. Open yourself to self truths you might be keeping yourself from discovering.[2]
BECOME YOUR OWN INNER WITNESS. Focus on an individual thought, emotion, or action. Try letting your mind wander, and as your mind generates random thoughts, follow them rather than react to them. Observe your own stream of consciousness as if you were an outsider looking within your mind, then guide yourself back to your silent meditation.[3]
CONSIDER USING A GUIDED MEDITATION APP. You might think you need to switch off your mobile device in order to meditate. However, there are several excellent mobile meditation apps available for both Android and iOS that can help guide you to a peaceful, reflective state.[4]
Method 3 - Observing Yourself in Action
RECORD YOURSELF DOING YOUR JOB.
In addition to learning new activities, you can use self observation to improve your job performance. For example, it's been shown that observing video of themselves at work had positive effects on teachers' professional development.[6]
FOCUS ON PROGRESS WHEN PRACTICING SELF-OBSERVATION.
Successes and failures are central to self observation, whether you’re practicing meditation, keeping a journal, or recording yourself giving a presentation. Cognitive behaviorists and psychologists agree that focusing on accomplishments when observing or monitoring yourself generates more accomplishments.
More Experiments
Through asking yourself questions and through requesting Feedback from your friends, you may get views of yourself that don’t match your long-held or most preferred self-image.
The discrepancy between the way you imagine yourself to be and the way you are perceived by others could be vast. The shock of realizing this may be equally disconcerting, and may propel you toward wanting to take immediate actions to rectify the situation.
For this experiment:
Not doing anything can be an extremely difficult thing to do. Do not even carry the question around about what you could do. It is far too early for trying to make changes. The strategy right now is to not make changes.
If you do not know what you are doing to stay numb, how could you know if you are doing something different from that? You can not.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.11 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 3 Matrix Points.
Observing yourself requires consciously Splitting Your Attention into two parts. For 3 weeks, use half of your attention to do your normal life, and use the other half of your attention to neutrally observe what you are doing.
At first you could get a bit dizzy from the simultaneous differing perspectives, but splitting your attention is normal. Remember a time when you were listening to an MP3 player while riding your bicycle, thinking about what to buy at the store, chewing gum, and watching the interesting people on the sidewalk all at the same time? You can already split your attention. The only difference now is you will be splitting your attention consciously.
It helps to imagine that you are living within a Box of mechanical behaviors, completely identified with the Box’s behaviors as if they were your own true actions because you have no other perspective on your situation. When the Box moves, you are moved by the movement. You cannot help it. You are stuck in these mechanical reactions, and may be stuck there for the rest of your life. Perhaps you know someone like this?
Self-observation is like taking a fresh set of eyes in your hand, reaching your hand out beyond the edges of your Box, and twisting your hand around so that your new eyes can look back at the Box from the outside. By seeing from this perspective, you easily discover that the Box is no more than an assembly of mechanical reactions triggered automatically by external stimuli. Keep your arm out there and just watch what happens for a long time.
When you first hold out your hand with the eyes it gets tired within a few moments and you bring it back inside the Box again, often without even knowing it. Moments, hours, or even days go by before you wake up with a start and remember what you were trying to do. You see that you are no longer splitting your attention, but you have no memory of stopping. Even at those times do not judge yourself. Or if you do judge yourself, observe the mechanicality of your self-judgment and do not judge that. When you notice your lack of self-observation, simply extend your neutral eyes out beyond the perimeter of your Box again and continue observing yourself.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.12 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 4 Matrix Points.
Here are three conditions under which to pay particular attention to observing yourself:
Are you familiar with the term second sight, having insights after the fact? During self-observation try to use first sight so you can observe what is actually happening while it happens. First sight is seeing what is, as it is, rather than seeing what you expect or hope to see.
Observe with a crystal clear eye. No name-calling, no swear words, no inner vows, no self-flagellations, no justifications, no comments from the peanut gallery. Keep your opinions about your opinions to yourself. Simply notice.
For 1 week, as soon as you notice that you are not simply Noticing, simply go back to noticing. It’s that simple.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.13 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
When you first begin self-observation you may have an attention span of only a few seconds before you get knocked unconscious and fall asleep. Work to build your muscles of Attention.
As your Numbness mode becomes more and more apparent, it will simultaneously become more predictable. When your own behavior becomes predictable to you, it can be seen as dead. Only then do you gain a new freedom of movement. Your mechanical commitment to staying Numb can be avoided without sentimentality, because you will not be killing something that is still regarded as being alive.
It will take months of dedicated observation before you get to this point. That is not too long. The months will go by no matter what you are doing. You may as well be building your Attention muscles.
Observe yourself for an extended period of time so you can identify repeated patterns and the circumstances that trigger them. An extended period of time means months and months, years actually.
Observe . . .
SELF-OBSERVE BY ARGUING WITH YOUR SELF-OBSERVATION
Write a dialogue script in your Beep!Book between the different Parts of yourself.
Part 1 says:
I observe this__.
Part 2 says:
That's horrible! That is so unconscious. How are you going to change this? This cannot stay this way.
The Child says:
Oh no, but I don't know how to do that. Ouch. Now my heart hurts. I feel alone. What should I do? This is really difficult. Help me..
The Moralistic Parent says:
You shouldn't be talking like that. You are whining. This is stupid. Nobody is going to want to help you like that. This is disgraceful. Stop doing that. Right now.
The Brave Justice Saviour Hero on a Galloping Horse says:
Hey, but wait a minute! You can't talk to yourself like that. That is not cool. That is not okay. You stop that right now.
The Child says:
Yes! You hurt me. It's your fault I'm I'm not good at anything. Poor me. I have suffered so much in life so far. It really sucks.
Self-Observation says:
Hey, guys, take it easy. Self-Observation is supposed to be neutral.
All say:
What! So you're telling us we're doing this all wrong? Shut up dude! We didn't ask you anything.
Write down 5 pages of dialogue, without judging what you see. If you do judge it, then write down what the Judge says, and do not judge that. And if you do judge the Judge, then write down what the Judge's Judge says and do not judge that. Keep going until you stop judging parts of yourself.
Take your 5 pages of dialogue to your Possibility Team and act it out in front of them.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.15 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 2 Matrix Points.
SELF-OBSERVE BY DISCOVERING THAT SELF-OBSERVATION IS NON-JUDGMENTAL.
For a minimum of 1 hour and a maximum of 2 hours, lay on your bed. For this period of time, your job is to Notice.
After completing this experiment, please register SELFOBSE.16 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY CLEANING UP DODGE CITY
After completing this experiment, please upload a link to your video and register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.17 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 2 Matrix Points.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING YOUR EMOTIONS.
This experiment is to self-observe the connection between your Emotions and your Gremlin, and your Emotions and your Physical Body.
In a two hour self-observation, you lay on your bed with no distractions, and observe your emotional body.
Observe with utter clarity if what you are feeling is mad, sad, glad or scared. You watch: is this a feeling or is this an emotion? If it is an emotion, which Ego State does it come from and what is its Purpose? Write down the emotions you find for doing emotional healing processes.
Observe how much your emotional body is alive, and how its fabric is mostly made out of emotions. Observe them neutrally. Emotions are not bad. They just are. They are just emotions.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.18 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY DOING ALIEN OBSERVATION
For the next week, use a clicker to fabricate a parallel observer that is not from this planet. It goes with you, it observes and asks questions. Questions like:
What is this about? Why is it like that?
Why is it like this here? What is the purpose or benefit?
Why do you have square buildings?
Why are you wearing shoes?
What is the point of talking to people you do not know?
Why do you care so much about money?
For the whole week, make notes in your Beep!Book of the questions that the Alien has. From the Alien perspective, none of it makes sense at all.
To answer the questions, you write down the answers that you are unconsciously living in. It is not about justifying what is going on. It is about explaining the meaning. Notice the story world and write it down. Why do you have to go other places, drive around? Why do you drink hot drinks? Why do you want to impress this person? Neutrally explain why it is done this way and why it is believed to be necessary here on Earth.
After a week, say goodbye to your Alien friend - unless you became such friends you want to have them over for longer. Notice what the world looks like now.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.19 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING YOUR STORIES
Create the muscle to create a gap between you and your stories. For three days, your job is to observe the stories you make about yourself when you are cooking, brushing your teeth, working, having a conversation with the baker, making a decision, walking to the bus stop, etc.
Write down any stories in your Beep!Book that comes up more than twice. Non-judgemental. This is the story world, the film, the movie that you live in about yourself.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.20 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Points.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING YOUR POSTURE
Go for a 5 minute walk near where you live. Walk with a crooked back, limp around, walk with your body and arms hanging. Observe in you what stories happen about yourself, observe where you walk to, observe what is happening around you, observe how you feel.
Go through another 5-10 minutes of walking with the most upright posture, looking around. Again, notice which stories come up. Notice where you walk to, observe what is happening around you, observe how you feel.
Observe your level of presence according to your physical posture.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.21 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING YOUR GREMLIN
Observe your Gremlin talking to you.
Stretch your arms and keep them stretched for 20 minutes. For no reason. Observe what kind of sentences your Gremlin says to stop the discomfort. What is the next one? And the next one?
See how creative your Gremlin is to stop your commitment. Look at the sentences that come up. They are the sentences you have given your life away to.
Write down the sentences. Take a picture of them and upload them as proof.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.22 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING THE ENERGETICS OF THE SPACE
For 3 days, self-observe the gestures you make with your physical body. List them. Notice what those gestures tell you about energetic structures and things that happen in your space. What do they tell you about assumptions, expectations, conclusions, belief systems, cultural taboos, cultural imperatives, and inner constructs.
Sometimes people put up their hand. Sometimes people look at you without moving their head. What for? What is that about?
Sometimes you duck. Or you step back. What is it that you're stepping back from? If you wrinkle your nose, what are you wrinkling your nose about?
Write down everything you see and what it told you. Sense how it is live in the world with the awareness of the energetics of the space.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.23 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SELF-OBSERVE BY OBSERVING THE OBSERVER
Split your attention. Use your clicker, that helps sometimes. What you do is have part of your attention looking back at you and observe yourself. Split another part of your attention to observe the observer part.
Notice what the first observer observes. Depending on the Part in you that is doing that observing, there will be different observations for you to observe.
Observe: What is your first observer noticing? What is it looking out for and what is it not seeing? What is it finding evidence for? Which stories is it creating? In which way is it judgmental? What does it enjoy? What is the orientation of your first observer? What is its slant? How is it 'politicized'?
Take notes of what you see in your Beep!Book. Which Parts of you are doing the observing? Which Identities are you observing from? Which Ego States? Are you observing that you are observing from your Adult Ego State, your Child Ego State, your Gremlin Ego State?
By observing the Part you that are observing from, you create a Gap between you and the Part you are identified with. This creates freedom of movement.
For one week, observe yourself during one hour each day and write down what you observe. The second observer is noticing for all 5 Bodies. Sometimes the 1st level of observation has a preference for specific body. The 2nd observer reports back.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SELFOBSE.24 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.